April 10th marks National Siblings Day: a day to celebrate the cherished moments and bonds of brotherhood and sisterhood.
At Petals, we understand that the loss of a baby can bring complex emotions for the entire family. This National Siblings Day, we want to acklowledge the unique challenges parents may face in supporting children after baby loss, whilst navigating their own grief.
In this blog post, Petals counsellor, Lynette O’Sullivan, offers compassionate guidance and practical suggestions for supporting siblings after baby loss.
Supporting Children After the Loss of a Baby
– Lynette O’Sullivan
Explaining pregnancy loss or the death of a baby sibling to children – and knowing how to support them while coping with your own grief – can be an overwhelming challenge.
Many parents instinctively want to shield their children from the pain of loss, but trying to hide it from them is often stressful and unrealistic. Children are perceptive; they will sense that the atmosphere in the home has changed, and something is wrong. Without a clear explanation, they may feel confused and anxious.
A much kinder approach for everyone is to be open and honest, tailoring conversations sensitively to your child’s age and personality.
While we cannot protect them from grief and loss, we can help them understand their response to it and navigate their emotions in a healthy way.
Children are remarkably resilient, and with the right support, they can integrate even the most difficult experiences into their lives and move forward.
They may even surprise you with their courage, strength, and wisdom along the way.
Here are some suggestions for supporting children through this challenging time.
Be Honest and Use Simple Language
Children need truthful, age-appropriate explanations. Using clear and simple language helps prevent misunderstandings.
Try to avoid phrases such as the baby went to “sleep”, or they are “lost” or “gone”. Children tend to take things literally and may become fearful of sleeping or think if the baby is “lost” or “gone” they can be found again and come back. If you’re unsure what to say, Child Bereavement UK offers helpful suggestions for words and phrases you might use.
Normalise and Validate Their Feelings
Children may express grief in many ways, including sadness, anger, withdrawal, or even seeming unaffected.
Encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings through talking, drawing or play. Let them know it’s okay to be sad, confused, or even to feel nothing at all. It’s also okay for them to see you cry and express your own grief. Modelling healthy grieving shows them that it is natural to feel and express emotions, and that they don’t have to hide their sadness.
Reassure Them
Children may have worries about their own safety or that of other loved ones. They might wonder if another baby or family member could die, or mistakenly believe that something they did or said caused the loss. Reassure them that they are not at fault and that most people, including babies, are healthy and live long lives.
Maintain Routines
Grief can make life feel uncertain and unpredictable. Keeping daily routines as normal as possible provides children with a sense of stability. While it’s important to acknowledge the loss, maintaining familiar patterns can help them feel safe and supported.
Involve Them Appropriately
Including children in age-appropriate ways can help them feel connected to their lost sibling and allow them to process grief in a meaningful way. If your family is holding a memorial or funeral, consider letting your child participate by drawing a picture, writing a letter, or placing a flower at the service. Giving them a role can help them feel included rather than excluded from the family’s grieving process.
Encourage Memory-Making and Remembrances
Encouraging children to create lasting memories of their sibling can also be a comforting way to process grief.
This might include making a scrapbook, planting a tree in remembrance, or keeping a special item that reminds them of the baby. Some children may find it helpful to participate in family rituals, such as lighting a candle on significant dates or sharing stories and thoughts about their sibling.
Giving children the space and freedom to express their love and grief through creative and personal ways can be a meaningful part of healing.
Use Books and Stories to Help Explain
Books can be a valuable resource in helping children understand and process grief. Stories like The Invisible String by Patrice Karst, Usborne Lift the Flap First Questions and Answers: Why do things die? by Katie Daynes, and I Can’t Believe They’re Gone by Karen Brough offer gentle explanations of death that children can relate to and understand. There are also books that specifically address baby loss, including:
- Someone Came Before You by Pat Schwiebert
- We Had to Say Goodbye Before We Even Met by Irene Teague
- Dear Star Baby by Malcolm Newsome
- I Miss the Baby by Irma Prosser
Reading these books together can provide comfort and open conversations about emotions and loss. You might also consider creating a personalised picture book together with your child that tells your own family’s story in a way that make sense to them.
Seek School/Nursery Support
It may be helpful to let your child’s nursery or school know about the loss so they can offer extra support.
Children may express their grief in different ways, such as changes in behaviour, difficulty concentrating, or increased emotional sensitivity. Nursery staff, teachers and support workers can provide reassurance and understanding, helping your child to feel safe and supported. Schools may also have pastoral care or be able to signpost to counselling services available to help children process their grief.
Keep the Conversation Open
Children’s understanding of loss evolves over time, and they may revisit their grief at different stages of development. Let them know they can ask questions or talk about their sibling whenever they need to.
Final Thoughts
Losing a baby is an incredibly painful experience, and supporting a grieving child through it can feel daunting. However, by being honest, offering reassurance, maintaining routines, and creating space for remembrance, you can help your child navigate this difficult journey with love and understanding.
Above all, trust yourself. You know your child best. Your love, patience, and presence are more than enough to provide the support they need as you try to find your way through together as a family.
