Finding The Words: Telling Loved Ones About Baby Loss

Experiencing the loss of a baby is devastating. In the midst of your grief, finding the words and the right time to tell friends and family can feel really hard.

We hope that this blog – written by Petals Counsellor, Katie Kolind – offers some gentle guidance to help you navigate these conversations in a way that feels manageable for you at this time.  

 

Why it’s so hard to tell people: 

The simple answer? Because you never imagined you would have to.

You were pregnant and excited for all that was to come, ready to share your happy news with family and friends. Whether lots of people knew, or no one knew, you were expecting. And now, whatever the time in your pregnancy and the circumstances of your loss, everything has changed. 

You may be worried about how others will react, about being judged, or simply feel you need to protect those you love from your pain.  

 Please know, it’s okay to feel unsure. It’s okay to feel angry, numb, or exhausted. These are all valid responses to an unimaginable loss and it’s okay to take the time you need to decide who to tell and how you want to share your news.  

Choosing who to tell and when: 

You don’t have to tell everyone at once. Start with the people you trust most — those who you feel emotionally safe with. You might choose to tell others later, or not at all.  

 This is your story, and you get to decide how and when to share it. 

You are grieving and it’s normal for you not to know how you feel from one moment to the next. You may not necessarily know what you need and want.  

Some of my clients have told me that telling others themselves has been too hard and that their partner has shared the news for them. Others may tell a close family member or friend, who can share the news more widely if that feels more comfortable. 

If you can, talk with your partner about who you want to share the news with and what you both want to say.  

Ways to share the news:  

There are many ways to tell people about your loss and it’s important to find the way that feels best to you. You might choose to speak to people face to face; you might find it easier to write a message or send a group text or email.  

 Some of my clients have found it helps to have a simple statement they can repeat. This can help to set some boundaries and for others to just know where you are emotionally. 

Here are a few phrases that might help: 

• “We’re heartbroken to share that our baby died.” 

• “We’re not ready to talk about it, but we wanted you to know.” 

• “Please be gentle with us — we’re grieving and may not respond right away.” 

• “You don’t have to find the right words – there are none.” 

• “I just might need to cry and let it out.” 

• “It’s ok to ask us about our baby. It will be hard, but we want to share them with you.” 

Preparing yourself for reactions: 

People respond in all kinds of ways to emotional news. It can be hard when it’s taken a lot for you to let someone know and you then don’t get the response you feel you need – this is your baby, your loss and you are feeling it all the time, they are hearing it in the moment but are not then grieving the way you are.  

My clients have shared that sometimes those they thought would be amazing were not able to be. The silence that comes in these situations can feel so very loud and incredibly isolating, particularly if someone close to you doesn’t acknowledge your loss.

One client even shared that a close friend said, “I didn’t know what to say so have been avoiding you.” Try to be kind to yourself in these situations, their reactions are not a reflection on you or the significance of your loss, and it is not your responsibility to manage their feelings – focus on what you need.  

You may find others you were not expecting and perhaps were not as close to, show they care in the simplest of ways. One of my clients received a bunch of flowers and a note saying, “I don’t know what to say but just know I am here for you” from someone unexpected and it had a meaningful impact.  

Whilst some people don’t want to say anything in case it upsets you, others may say things you find unhelpful or hurtful like: “You can try again”, “At least you have your son/daughter”, “It was early”, “Isn’t it time you moved on now”. 

In the moment and particularly face to face, this can be so hard to deal with. Try to take a few deep breaths to calm you. 

Depending on who they are and the situation, you may feel strong enough emotionally to tell them how that’s made you feel.  Some responses you might feel able to respond with are: “Please don’t say that it hurts me”, “I am grieving for my baby and what you are saying doesn’t help”, “I just need to take some time, I’m feeling upset”. 

You may need to walk away if you are feeling overwhelmed and that is absolutely ok. 

Try to remember that their reactions are not a reflection of your grief or your baby’s importance, but them wanting to fix and take away your pain, while not knowing how. 

 

 

Those unexpected moments:

Sometimes we are not prepared: we see someone by chance and feel we have to explain, or we get asked by a stranger if we have children. Those moments can be hard to navigate.  

The question, “Do you have children?” is so simple and innocent but feels so heavy and loaded.  

A response might be, “Thank you for asking” – this can provide a little time to compose yourself. There is no right response, only the one that feels ok for you at that time, but having a few statements prepared in your head can be helpful.

One client shared that she initially said, “No I don’t,” but it didn’t feel right and so went on to say, “Yes, I do in my heart, not here with me.”  

It is a process working out what you want to say. What feels ok for one person might not for another and it may change over time – finding the words you feel comfortable with is the most important thing.   

 

Looking after yourself:

This is another layer of grief, the reliving of what has happened –  and it’s exhausting. 

It is okay to allow yourself to not go to a social function that would be hard, to ask a partner or a friend to share the news, to take each day as it comes and to protect your emotional space.

You don’t have to educate others or manage their feelings.  

You are not alone:

Telling others about your baby loss is deeply personal. There is no perfect way to do it — only the way that feels right for you. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best you can in an incredibly difficult time. 

If you’re struggling with how to talk about your loss, or if you need someone to walk alongside you, our supportive Petals groups are here: communities of other people who ‘get it’.

Search Petals Together or Petals Dads on Facebook or follow the links below. You don’t have to do this alone.