Supporting both parents following a loss this Christmas
Petals Counselling Manager, Bev Roles, shares ways friends & family can support both mothers and non-birthing partners at this difficult time.
Many couples who begin their journey of having a family don’t know how they will react or cope when they are faced with the news that their pregnancy has ended, or their baby has died.
Relationships are often impacted from this news and both parents are having to process their loss in their own way.
Non-birthing partners need their own time to grieve. If they feel they have the capacity to support their partner, there are some key things that can help:
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Recognise that people grieve differently.
Some wish to express this outwardly by crying, looking at pictures, scans or holding something which feels significant. Others may do this in a more inward and less noticeable way.
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You don’t need to take their pain away.
Even if it feels uncomfortable to see them like this. Simply sitting with your partner and saying nothing can be more comforting than saying something. Being able to listen and acknowledge her pain can bring great comfort.
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Grief comes in waves.
You may see her being able to do more on some days and then not on others. This is completely normal. Being patient and understanding of this can help your partner to feel supported in their journey with grief.
If you are a family member wanting to support a grieving couple, the best place to start is by gently asking what they need.
They may not always have the answers or know what they need at certain times, but small acts of care such as cooking a meal, offering to do their shopping or helping with everyday tasks can bring real comfort.
Try to stay open to their needs. Sometimes asking about their baby and using baby’s name if they were given one can be meaningful to the couple.
Don’t assume to how they are feeling or should be feeling. Grief can be unpredictable, is not linear and doesn’t have an end. It’s important to remember that certain dates and anniversaries can bring renewed emotional distress.
Most of all, be led by the parents in how much they want to share and talk about their loss. There is often no right thing to say or to, but simply being there can mean a lot.