Supporting & Including Children & Siblings at Christmas Time

Counsellors Russ and Lynette share guidance on how to support children following a loss

How do children respond to loss?
Dr Russ Hargreaves, Senior Petals Counsellor

Working as I did for many years in the NHS and hospice sector, I sadly spent a great deal of time talking to families about how they could help their children following a loss. I also established support groups for children between 6 and 16 years of age. I learnt a great deal about how children deal with death, much of which took me by surprise. Here’s some of what I discovered:

1. Children of different ages deal with death differently.

As with adults, there is no ‘one size fits all’. However, research has found that very young children often view death as reversible and may act out their loss in play. They will sometimes ask the same questions to different people to ‘test’ whether the story of loss changes. Slightly older children are often able to view death as ‘final’ and something which affects other people.

2. Children like honesty.

We often imagine we should protect children by not telling them the truth of what has happened. However, we now know that children generally respond well to the honest truth. That doesn’t mean we should be brutal with the truth, but telling children the truth of what has happened to their baby brother or sister means that they know that nothing is being held from them. They feel on the same page as the rest of the family and that is a good thing.

3. Some children appear completely unphased by loss.

They may hear the dreadful news and simply carry on playing or wondering if they can watch TV. This doesn’t mean they are not processing what has happened, they may simply need to do this in bitesize chunks.

4. Some children will watch you like a hawk to see how you are dealing with this loss.

Don’t forget, this is new to them, and may be new to you too. They have no route map to work from. It is fine to show them your sadness. Sadness and distress are a very normal response to baby loss so they will learn that it is OK to cry if they feel like crying.

5. It is important to keep in touch with people around your children.

While teachers and child-minders may be difficult to reach over the Christmas period, keeping them informed when possible can be important. Those close to your children can look out for any signs of distress and alert you to this. So, if it feels right for you, let their school or nursery know about what has happened and how this may have affected your child.

Remember, it is okay to struggle with your loss and to need help. Make sure you keep lines of communication open with your children so that they know they can always talk about their brother or sister. Try to ensure they don’t feel pressured to talk and can take this at their own pace. I have always found that when it comes to talking to children about death, honesty is the best policy, and I have been utterly blown away by the way that many children have shouldered baby loss and grown into more rounded children as a result.

How can I support my child?
Compassionate guidance and practical suggestions from Petals’ Counsellor, Lynnette O’Sullivan

At Petals, we understand that the loss of a baby can bring complex emotions for the entire family. We want to acknowledge the unique challenges parents may face in supporting children after baby loss, whilst navigating their own grief.

Explaining pregnancy loss or the death of a baby sibling to children – and knowing how to support them while coping with your own grief – can be an overwhelming challenge.

Many parents instinctively want to shield their children from the pain of loss, but trying to hide it from them is often stressful and unrealistic. Children are perceptive; they will sense that the atmosphere in the home has changed, and something is wrong. Without a clear explanation, they may feel confused and anxious.

A much kinder approach for everyone is to be open and honest, tailoring conversations sensitively to your child’s age and personality.

While we cannot protect them from grief and loss, we can help them understand their response to it and navigate their emotions in a healthy way.

Children are remarkably resilient, and with the right support, they can integrate even the most difficult experiences into their lives and move forward.

They may even surprise you with their courage, strength, and wisdom along the way.

Here are some suggestions for supporting children through this challenging time:

Be Honest and Use Simple Language

Children need truthful, age-appropriate explanations. Using clear and simple language helps prevent misunderstandings.

Try to avoid phrases such as the baby went to “sleep”, or they are “lost” or “gone”. Children tend to take things literally and may become fearful of sleeping or think if the baby is “lost” or “gone” they can be found again and come back. If you’re unsure what to say, Child Bereavement UK offers helpful suggestions for words and phrases you might use.

Normalise and Validate Their Feelings

Children may express grief in many ways, including sadness, anger, withdrawal, or even seeming unaffected.

Encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings through talking, drawing or play. Let them know it’s okay to be sad, confused, or even to feel nothing at all. It’s also okay for them to see you cry and express your own grief. Modelling healthy grieving shows them that it is natural to feel and express emotions, and that they don’t have to hide their sadness.

Reassure Them

Children may have worries about their own safety or that of other loved ones. They might wonder if another baby or family member could die, or mistakenly believe that something they did or said caused the loss. Reassure them that they are not at fault and that most people, including babies, are healthy and live long lives.

Maintain Routines

Grief can make life feel uncertain and unpredictable. Keeping daily routines as normal as possible provides children with a sense of stability. While this may become increasingly difficult at a time like Christmas, maintaining familiar patterns where possible can help them feel safe and supported.

Involve Them Appropriately

Including children in age-appropriate ways can help them feel connected to their lost sibling and allow them to process grief in a meaningful way. Perhaps hanging a special decoration on the tree can be something you do together. If your family is holding a memorial or funeral, consider letting your child participate by drawing a picture, writing a letter, or placing a flower at the service. Encourage them to be a part of any Christmas traditions where your baby is brought up. Giving them a role can help them feel included rather than excluded from the family’s grieving process.

Encourage Memory-Making and Remembrances

Encouraging children to create lasting memories of their sibling can also be a comforting way to process grief.

This might include making a scrapbook, planting a tree in remembrance, or keeping a special item that reminds them of the baby. Some children may find it helpful to participate in family rituals, such as lighting a candle on significant dates or sharing stories and thoughts about their sibling. At Christmas time, this might be as simple as listening to a special song together or visiting a special place.

Giving children the space and freedom to express their love and grief through creative and personal ways can be a meaningful part of healing.

Use Books and Stories to Help Explain

Books can be a valuable resource in helping children understand and process grief. Stories like The Invisible String by Patrice Karst, Usborne Lift the Flap First Questions and Answers: Why do things die? by Katie Daynes, and I Can’t Believe They’re Gone by Karen Brough offer gentle explanations of death that children can relate to and understand. There are also books that specifically address baby loss, including:

Someone Came Before You by Pat Schwiebert

We Had to Say Goodbye Before We Even Met by Irene Teague

Dear Star Baby by Malcolm Newsome

I Miss the Baby by Irma Prosser

Reading these books together can provide comfort and open conversations about emotions and loss. You might also consider creating a personalised picture book together with your child that tells your own family’s story in a way that make sense to them.

Keep the Conversation Open

Children’s understanding of loss evolves over time, and they may revisit their grief at different stages of development. Family events such as Christmas may bring up new questions for them. Let them know they can ask or talk about their sibling whenever they need to.

Final Thoughts

Losing a baby is an incredibly painful experience, and supporting a grieving child through it can feel daunting. However, by being honest, offering reassurance, maintaining routines, and creating space for remembrance, you can help your child navigate this difficult journey with love and understanding.

Above all, trust yourself. You know your child best. Your love, patience, and presence are more than enough to provide the support they need as you try to find your way through together as a family.