Victoria & Carl’s Story
Motherhood had always seemed something that would be out of my reach. I was never really sure how fond of children I was, even as a child I opted largely to stay with the adults. So, when I met my husband, I made it clear I wasn’t sure children would be in our future. However, as we grew together, and we watched our friends become families – I did wonder if we would come to regret that decision. I wondered if my decision was through fear, of infertility, of motherhood.
So after 8 years of being together we started trying – telling ourselves we would leave it up to nature. Naturally, with each month, the pressure and intensity of my desire for a baby increased. Our intimate times became a task we both dreaded. It took a big strain on our relationship.
My first pregnancy was detected as ectopic, my second a miscarriage – both within six months of each other. It was scary but we had friends who had similar struggles initially – and all had gone on to have healthy babies, (yes plural.) So we rationalised and carried on.
I got my third positive pregnancy test in September 2023, just five months later. Within the next 15 days our world was turned upside down.
I suffered a Spontaneous Bilateral Simultaneous Ectopic Pregnancy (what a mouthful) – basically meaning I had an ectopic pregnancy in both my fallopian tubes at the same time. The right side ruptured and was removed in the first operation. Three days later, the left had also ruptured and needed removing.
Initially, our primary consideration was for my safety. I had to give my consent to both removals… It was explained that I would then be sterile.
It was offered as a choice, but we all knew I had no choice, ectopic pregnancies can be fatal!
The hospital sent me away with painkillers, antidepressants and an information pack for Petals Counselling… which remained unopened for quite a few weeks. I have had experience of therapy before and couldn’t see how talking about it would help.
The physical pain I experienced during that week was beyond anything I had felt before – thankfully I was given morphine to numb that. When it came to processing the emotional pain and grief of losing our chance to be parents, on top of the trauma of two emergency operations – morphine couldn’t help.
I tried talking to friends and family about how I was feeling. They just didn’t understand, didn’t know how to react. Some would want to say how strong I was, others wanted me to look on the bright side, some told me I had other options – everything I heard wasn’t helping. I didn’t feel strong, I felt betrayed by my body, broken. I felt a failure. I felt guilty for deciding to try for children, when I had always ‘known’ this was to be my fate.
So one day, I reached out to Petals and was put in touch with Lynette.
The sessions I had with her became a safe space for me. A place where I could say all the things I was scared to say out loud. She helped me navigate my emotions. At the time, I didn’t understand that what I was feeling was grief. The loss of a life I thought we’d have, the loss of a family, motherhood. It wasn’t just a pregnancy loss, it felt like I had lost my future. My direction…. What was my purpose!
Lynette made me feel heard, with her I felt able to let my guard down. Speaking my fears out loud helped me realise they were just that, fears!
Everyone around me was telling me that our fertility journey could continue with IVF or adoption. They thought it would help, to give me hope. I wanted to scream! Enough!
Lynette allowed me to express that without the guilt or shame I felt with everyone else.
My husband and I have decided to stop our fertility journey. For all the reasons best for us, we will remain a childless couple. It’s not a decision you often hear around pregnancy and loss but I do believe there is courage and strength in owning your trauma and quietly retreating to regain your peace.
I am so very grateful for the support Petals have given me and my husband. They offered sessions together or for him individually, although he didn’t take the offer up. By helping me through my grief, they supported him along the journey too.
I am so thankful for the nurse at West Suffolk Hospital who slipped the Petals information pack into my discharge paperwork – even though at the time I had been closed to the idea of counselling.
Our story isn’t the most traumatic, or the most heartbreaking, but it is ours.
One thing I’ve learnt from the whole experience, is that although you may feel at times gut wrenchingly lonely, with charities like Petals, you never have to grieve alone.