Understanding the quiet grief of grandparents

Understanding the quiet grief of grandparents 

In this blog, Petals Counsellor Katie Kolind explores the often-overlooked grief experienced by grandparents after the death of a baby. She reflects on the unique pain of grieving both a grandchild and watching your own child navigate an unimaginable loss, while feeling the pressure to stay strong and support the family. Katie offers gentle guidance on giving yourself permission to grieve, supporting your child, and finding space and support for your own heartbreak.

When the future you imagined changes 

When you learn that a baby is on the way, it is natural to feel excited and to start picturing the future. Perhaps you imagined holding them for the first time, the sleepovers, the birthday cakes, the moment they called you Nana, Grandad, Oma. 

Maybe this baby would have been your first grandchild, maybe your tenth. It doesn’t matter, what matters is this baby, and that imagined future is now gone. When a baby dies, whether through miscarriage, stillbirth or after birth, the world focuses on the parents. Grandparents step quietly into the background, putting their own heartbreak aside so they can be strong, be useful, and try to hold the family together. 

Your grief is real, you too are navigating an unimagined world of baby loss, and you need to find your place in this new reality. 

A double grief 

Grandparents feel they carry two losses at once. You are grieving your grandchild: the baby you already loved, and all the milestones, memories and moments you hoped to share. At the same time, you are grieving for your own child. You are watch them go through what may be the most painful experience of their life. 

Many grandparents feel they have to be “the strong one” and put their own feelings to one side. It is understandable, but it can leave you carrying a great deal on your own. 

You cannot take the pain away 

From the moment your child was born, part of your role has been to protect them. Baby loss is something you fix and cannot take the pain away. That helplessness can be one of the hardest parts of a grandparent’s grief. It can show up as restlessness, a need to keep busy, not knowing what to say or do, avoiding the difficult emotions your child is expressing. 

It may help to gently let go of the idea that you need to be able to take the pain away. Simply being alongside them in their grief and pain is one of the most meaningful things you can offer. 

Why your grief can feel invisible 

Grandparents are sometimes called the “forgotten mourners”. Friends and colleagues may ask how your son or daughter is coping, but not how you are. You might even find yourself wondering whether you are entitled to feel this sad. Therapists call this disenfranchised grief: a loss that is real but goes unrecognised by the people around you. 

There are other feelings that can catch grandparents by surprise: 

• It feels out of order. We expect the older generations to go first. Many grandparents describe a kind of guilt at having lived a full life when the baby’s life was so short, sometimes saying “it should have been me”.
• Old losses can resurface. A new loss often stirs up earlier ones: your own pregnancy losses, other bereavements, or difficult times you thought you had put behind you. Some grandparents lost babies themselves at a time when it simply wasn’t talked about, and this can bring that grief back to the surface.
• Family tensions can arise. People grieve at different speeds and in different ways. Differences in how family members want to talk, remember or cope can cause strain, even in close families.

Giving yourself permission to grieve 

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There are just feelings, and they are all allowed: sadness, anger, numbness, guilt, even moments of laughter that seem out of place. 

You don’t need to hide your tears. Seeing that you are sad too can be a comfort to your child, because it tells them their baby mattered to you and that they are not alone in missing them. 

Grief does not follow a timetable. It may come in waves, catch you off guard in the supermarket, or feel heavier around due dates, anniversaries and family celebrations. Be as gentle with yourself as you would be with anyone else you love. 

Being alongside your son or daughter 

The most helpful thing you can do is try to meet them where they are. Every family is different, so let them lead. 

Follow their lead on the baby. If they have named their baby, use that name. Saying it out loud tells parents their child is remembered, which is often a the biggest fear. If they haven’t chosen a name simply follow the words they use. 

Let them decide when to talk. Some days they may want to talk about their baby for hours. Other days they may want silence, or to talk about anything else. It is okay to say, “I don’t know what to say, but I love you and I’m here for you.” 

Try to avoid well-meant clichés. Phrases like “you can always have another baby”, “everything happens for a reason” or “at least it was early” are usually meant well, but this can minimize the loss of the baby and may shut down conversations. 

Finding support for yourself 

You need your own support. Having somewhere to put your own grief is what gives you the space to be truly present with your child in theirs. 

One helpful way to think about it is to imagine circles of support. The bereaved parents are at the centre. Comfort flows inwards towards them, and your own heartache is best shared outwards, with a partner, friends, siblings or professionals, rather than with the parents themselves while they are in the rawest part of their grief. 

Remembering together 

Love for a grandchild doesn’t end because they are no longer here. Many families find comfort in gentle ways of remembering: a memory box, planting a tree or rose, lighting a candle on their birthday, writing a letter to the baby, or simply saying their name at family gatherings. 

If you would like to do something to remember your grandchild, it can be lovely to check in with the parents first, or to invite them to do it with you. That way, remembering becomes something you share. 

If you are a grandparent reading this, please know that your grief matters. You loved this baby, and you love your child. Carrying both of those at once is hard, and you don’t have to carry it alone 

Places you might turn to include: 

• Peer support groups, like Petals Grandparents, our facebook group where you can meet other grandparents who truly understand. 

•  Counselling. Talking with a therapist who understands baby loss can give you a non-judgemental space that is just for you. Whilst our free counselling service is specifically for bereaved parents, some of our counsellors do to offer private counselling. 

• Child Bereavement UK, which offers guidance for family members. 

If you need to talk to people who understand, our supportive Petals groups are here: communities of other people who ‘get it’.