Eleanor’s Story

My dream in life has always been to be a mum.

I first found out I was pregnant in November 2023, and my husband and I were over the moon. The baby became known as Bean, and I quickly became very unwell with nausea and sickness.

We had an early scan in December, showing a baby with a heartbeat. However, in January 2024, it was discovered that the baby no longer had a heartbeat.

I had had a missed miscarriage.

We were beyond devastated. The horrifying silence in the scan room while the sonographer desperately sought to visualise the heartbeat we’d seen only two weeks before was deafening. It didn’t feel right that the world went on in that moment.

I didn’t ‘naturally’ miscarry my baby, so I had to go to hospital for surgical management which was horrendous. My mental health rapidly declined.

In April 2024, I found out that I was pregnant again, 3 days after my husband ran the Brighton marathon for Petals! Whilst overjoyed, I was absolutely terrified. I could not see how I would bring this baby home alive.

I instantly felt connected to the baby, but this terrified me even more as I couldn’t bear the thought of losing her. The pregnancy was full of anxiety, while I also battled hyperemesis gravdium, which resulted in many long, lonely inpatient hospital stays where all I did was worry about my baby.

 

Thankfully, our little girl arrived safe and well in December 2024, and has brought unbelievable amounts of joy to our lives.

I found out about Petals a few weeks after our loss. I was unsure if I’d be able to receive support, but I was soon contacted and felt incredibly validated and understood. Once my first session was scheduled, it felt like something to look forward to, as it would give me a chance to talk about the baby I loved, even if I’d lost them.

Fiona was fantastic. She listened, validated and could deeply understand my feelings around the loss. She reassured me that all my feelings were normal, and helped me understand why the loss was devastating me to the core. I looked forward to our sessions as a safe outlet for my feelings around such a heartbreaking topic and a chance to process my feelings about my baby.

As our sessions came to an end, I found out that I was pregnant again. My anxiety was unbelievably high, and I was fortunate enough to receive more funded Petals sessions to support pregnancy after loss.

Sessions like these are vital for parents at this extremely vulnerable time. Fiona was incredibly supportive and was always ready to listen to my worries, again validating them and helping me understand.

She didn’t fakely reassure me with ‘everything will be fine’ or ‘just relax’ which I was greatly thankful for. Petals counselling was a rock during my lowest points of baby loss and navigating a tricky second pregnancy.

I always knew I had someone to turn to, and a safe space that made me feel validated and understood.

In a world where baby loss isn’t always treated as it should be, Petals was there to reassure me that my grief was normal, and give me a space to talk about my baby. The sessions gave me an outlet for my grief, and support in the challenges of pregnancy after loss. Just somebody understanding and validating your feelings during these challenging times with no fake ‘it’ll all be okay’ or ‘you can just try again’ is like receiving the biggest hug.

I’d recommend Petals to anybody in the unfortunate position of baby loss or pregnancy after loss.

Remember – no loss is ‘too early’ – baby loss is baby loss regardless of gestation and you have the absolute right to grieve and need support. From the moment you see that second line on the pregnancy test, you dream of a baby and a particular future and if that is snatched away, you are valid to be heartbroken.

Baby loss is a devastation like no other, so receiving specialised counselling where counsellors truly understand how baby loss feels is a gift. All feelings are valid, so even if you just need to sit and cry for an hour, to have someone there who understands that will make you feel infinitely better.

Thank you for guiding me through the toughest patch of my life by validating my feelings and giving my grief a safe and supportive outlet.

 

If you’re experiencing pregnancy after loss, our Petals PAL group are here for you: a supportive group of other women with shared experiences, who know how you are feeling.