Managing difficult milestones

We know the complexities of difficult milestones in the early days of grief – first Christmas, baby’s birthday, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day… but what about the milestones that can be unexpected hurdles further along in your grief journey? Here,  Senior Petals counsellor, Sumita Bhola shares her insights and advice on how to navigate them.

As the summer holidays come to an end, families begin preparing for the return to school. Uniforms are bought, school bags are packed, routines start to return and there is often a mixture of excitement and apprehension about the new school year. 

For bereaved parents, however, this time can bring another layer of emotion. As a counsellor, I often hear parents talk about how unexpected moments can bring their grief back to the surface. They may feel that they have been coping well, sometimes for months, and then a particular date, season or milestone suddenly feels incredibly painful. 

Grief isn’t linear 

One of the most important things to understand about grief is that it isn’t linear. There isn’t a point where we move steadily from sadness to acceptance and leave the grief behind. You can have days when life feels manageable. You might laugh, enjoy time with your children, make plans and feel that you are beginning to find your way forward. 

And then something can catch you completely by surprise. Perhaps it is seeing children in their new school uniforms. Maybe it is watching your own child move into another year group and being reminded of the stages your baby will never reach. It might be a date on the calendar, an anniversary, a birthday or simply the changing of the seasons. 

Suddenly, the grief feels very close again. 

This doesn’t mean you are going backwards. It doesn’t mean you aren’t coping. It means that something has reminded you of the person you love and the future you had imagined with them. 

Milestones can be complicated 

Milestones can bring many different emotions, and sometimes several at once. There may be sadness and longing, but also anger, anxiety, jealousy, guilt or a sense that things are simply unfair. 

You might feel genuinely happy watching your children start another school year while also feeling the ache of knowing that your baby isn’t here to experience their own milestones. You might feel guilty for enjoying yourself, or guilty because you don’t feel able to enjoy the moment. 

As a counsellor, I would want parents to know that these feelings don’t need to be judged or justified. Grief doesn’t always make logical sense, and difficult feelings don’t make you a bad parent or mean that you aren’t grateful for the children you have. 

Two things can be true at the same time. You can love the life you have and deeply miss the baby who is not here. 

Preparing for difficult moments 

Although we can’t always predict what will trigger our grief, it can help to think ahead. If you know a particular date or event might be difficult, consider what you might need around it. Could you talk to someone you trust? Could you leave some space in your day rather than filling it with commitments? 

You might also choose to take a break from social media if seeing other families, new babies or children’s milestones feels particularly difficult. 

Some parents find comfort in creating their own way of remembering their baby. This might be lighting a candle, visiting somewhere meaningful, looking at photographs, saying their baby’s name or simply taking a quiet moment to think about them. 

And remember, you don’t have to attend every celebration or activity. Sometimes giving yourself permission to step away is exactly what you need. 

There is no right or wrong way to experience a milestone. You may find that one year feels manageable and another feels much harder. You may want to mark an anniversary one year and keep it private the next. That’s okay. 

If the return to school brings unexpected grief, be gentle with yourself. You haven’t gone backwards. You are continuing to live alongside a loss that matters. 

Your baby mattered. Your love for them remains, and sometimes the milestones simply remind us of that. 

Sumita

If you need to talk to people who understand, our supportive Petals groups are here: communities of other people who ‘get it’.