The mental load of grief

As the summer draws to a close and September approaches with all it’s complex ‘Back to work’ and ‘Back to school’ messaging, the mental load of every day life can feel exhausting when you’re grieving. Here, Petals counsellor Flora Saxby share her insight into understanding your difficulties to go back to ‘normal’ and shares some gentle, practical ways to look after yourself when life feels overwhelming.

When grief feels exhausting

When you’re grieving, everyday life can feel much harder than it used to. Things that once felt straightforward – answering an email, going to the supermarket, making plans or getting ready to return to work – can suddenly feel completely overwhelming. 

This can be particularly noticeable when life starts to “crash in” again after when you have been able to step away from some of the usual demands for a short period of time. It might be after a summer holiday, when routines begin again in September, or simply when you have to start thinking about work, appointments, or family commitments. 

One way I describe this to people I work with is that, when you are grieving, your energy pot is much smaller. 

Normally, if you have a bad night’s sleep, a difficult meeting or a tricky situation with a friend, an overwhelming amount of admin to get through, or even just smaller chores, you can draw on some extra internal resources to get you through. When you are grieving, that reserve may not be there. Even something that seems like a normal daily task to someone else can drain your energy very quickly. 

This is why it is important to listen to yourself and recognise when something is too much. 

Signs the mental load is too much

You might notice a sense of dread or anxiety about something, feel unusually tired, frustrated or resentful, or simply have a strong feeling of I can’t do this right now. These feelings are not necessarily a sign that you are being difficult or that you “can’t be bothered”. They may be your body telling you that you have reached your limit. 

It can be difficult to set boundaries when the people around you want you to feel better. Because grief isn’t visible, other people may not realise how much you are struggling. You might even find yourself putting on a mask and trying to appear “normal” because you don’t want to make other people uncomfortable. 

But you don’t have to prove that you are okay. 

How to manage it

Give yourself permission to say “I can’t do that yet”
This is an important part of looking after yourself. You may need to explain this to the people around you, because they cannot always know what you need unless you tell them. It doesn’t have to involve sharing everything you’re feeling. Sometimes a simple, clear boundary is enough. 

Give yourself permission to avoid things that your body is telling you are too much. Of course, some things are unavoidable, but not everything has to be done immediately. Grief is a time when you may need extra rest, understanding and care – from other people, but also from yourself. 

Do what you need to do for you – not what everyone thinks you should be doing
There are also simple things that can help when the mental load feels particularly heavy. Gentle movement, going for a walk, listening to music you love, singing or dancing can all help you feel more settled. Spending time with someone you trust, or finding a way to calm your nervous system, may make it easier to think clearly and work out what you actually need. 

Be kind to yourself. You have been through something enormous. You do not need to push yourself simply because life around you is starting again. 

Flora

If you need to talk to people who understand, our supportive Petals groups are here: communities of other people who ‘get it’.