Understanding trauma after baby loss

When people talk about baby loss, they often talk about grief. But what we don’t always talk about is the trauma that can accompany baby loss.  Petals counsellor, Flora Saxby shares what she would like everyone to know about trauma. 

One of the most important things I wish people understood is that grief and trauma are not the same thing, and many bereaved parents are carrying both. Trauma is not a sign that you are not coping properly. It’s not a sign that you are weak. It’s a sign that your nervous system has been overwhelmed. 

What is trauma? 

I would describe trauma as what happens when someone has experienced feeling powerless, unsafe, out of control, or faced with a threat to life – either to themselves or someone close to them. 

For many parents, baby loss involves exactly those experiences. When that happens, the nervous system becomes overwhelmed. The emotions connected to those moments can become trapped in the nervous system and are often experienced physically as well as emotionally. The body remembers those moments. 

Later experiences can trigger the same intensity of emotion, even if the current situation is different. That is why trauma can feel as though the event is happening again. It is important that those memories are processed so that the intensity of the emotion can be released. When someone is stuck in trauma, they often can’t grieve as healthily or as fully as they otherwise could. Trauma can keep people stuck in their grief. 

Common signs of trauma after baby loss 

People often think trauma only looks like flashbacks, and flashbacks are certainly one sign. But there are many others. 

• Someone may not be able to contemplate becoming pregnant again. 

• They may not be able to have another scan. 

• They may struggle to sleep. 

• They may avoid watching television because they’re frightened of seeing something that triggers them. 

• They may avoid the shops or going out in public because they’re terrified of seeing a pregnant woman or a newborn baby. 

Often people think they have to push through it, but the body is actually sending a message that something needs to be listened to and processed. Listening to that message is important. 

How to recognise trauma in yourself 

One of the biggest turning points is simply recognising what is happening. Many people think, “Why am I reacting like this?” or “Why can’t I do things that other people seem able to do?”  Understanding that what you’re experiencing may be trauma can be incredibly relieving. It gives a reason for the fear, the avoidance, and the overwhelm.  Recognition is often the turning point. 

How to recognise trauma in someone you love 

Trauma can be difficult for partners, family members, and friends to understand because it isn’t always visible. 

• Someone may avoid places, situations, or conversations that remind them of their baby. 

• They may seem unusually anxious. 

• They may cancel plans. 

• They may not be able to do things that seem ordinary, such as going to the supermarket, driving somewhere, or attending a family event. 

What looks like avoidance is often the nervous system trying to protect them.  Rather than asking, “Why can’t they move on?”, it is more helpful to understand that their body may still be responding as though they are in danger. 

Why trauma needs attention 

If trauma isn’t addressed, people can become stuck in grief for a very long time. 

It is also important to recognise that people often bring previous trauma into baby loss. Pregnancy and loss can activate earlier experiences from childhood, relationships, previous losses, or other traumatic events. That is another reason specialist trauma-informed support, such as Petals counselling, is so important. 

Unlocking trauma 

The first step is recognising it. The next step is finding the right support. 

Look for professional support 

If you haven’t been able to access Petals through your hospital or by self-referral, I  would encourage you to speak to your GP, look for trauma-informed support, and  learn about how trauma affects the nervous system. That might be counselling, trauma therapy, private therapy if it is accessible, or other  forms of specialist support. 

Be honest with friends, family – and yourself 

Don’t pretend you’re ok and try and push through. Tell people why you can’t get in  the car. Tell them why you can’t go to the supermarket. Tell them why you’re frightened. Once people understand, they can often support you much more  effectively. 

Be in your body 

Anything that helps settle the nervous system can be beneficial. For example: 

Movement: It doesn’t have to be intense exercise. Gentle movement is often enough. Walking, stretching, or simply moving your body can help begin to regulate the nervous system.
Music: Create a playlist of songs that you love – songs that genuinely lift your spirits. Put them on, dance if you can, and sing if you’re able to. Music and movement can create a small shift in the nervous system and help you feel a little more connected to yourself.
Calming practices: For some people, practices such as EFT tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique) can also help with reducing anxiety and nervous system regulation.
Rest: Reduce unnecessary demands, ask for practical help, choose not to do things that feel overwhelming. 

The goal here is not to make the grief disappear, but to help your body feel safe enough that it is no longer constantly in survival mode and support a nervous system that has been through something profoundly traumatic. 

Healing happens in safety and connection 

Recognising trauma is often the turning point. Once people understand that what they are experiencing is trauma, they can begin to seek the support they need and process what has happened to them. That can be where the journey towards healing begins. 

Remember, you or your loved one will not feel like this forever; it it is often necessary to have a time of withdrawing from normal activities while you/they recover.

If you need to talk to people who understand, our supportive Petals groups are here: communities of other people who ‘get it’.