A suitcase of grief: Navigating holidays after the loss of a baby

Whether it’s your first holiday after the loss of your baby or several years since they died, going away can feel incredibly complicated. Petals counsellors, Dorne Hardyman and Flora Saxby unpack the complexities on how to holiday with your grief.  

You may be returning to a holiday that was booked during your pregnancy. You might be travelling with older children while wondering how to include the sibling who isn’t there. Or perhaps you’re questioning whether enjoyment is something you’re allowed to experience at all. 

Grief doesn’t stay at home because you’re on holiday. As Dorne says, “The big heavy suitcase might contain your essentials for this trip, but you will always have an extra load to carry on your shoulders too – I think of it as a rucksack. It gets lighter sometimes, heavier sometimes, but you will always carry with you.” 

That doesn’t mean a holiday can’t offer moments of rest or comfort. But it does mean that it helps to prepare for the emotions that may arise and to give yourself permission to do what feels right for you.  

Grieving the holiday you imagined 

Part of what you’re grieving is the holiday – and future holidays – you had imagined with your baby,” says Dorne. “Holidays and holiday memories are symbolic of a happy family life stretching forwards and backwards together.” 

Flora explains that being away can intensify that grief. 

“At home you can manage who you see and how many people you are exposed to but this is harder on holiday. There are likely to be families and women who are pregnant which may be triggering for you. There is often an expectation from people you are with, and a hope from your close family and friends that you will feel ok when on holiday and although it might bring some relief in some ways, you are unlikely to feel ok for a long time. It is hard for those close to you to cope with and accept this.” 

Making room in your suitcase for joy and grief 

Many bereaved parents tell our counsellors they feel guilty if they laugh, relax or enjoy themselves while they’re away. Flora says these mixed emotions are completely understandable. 

“It can be difficult to allow yourself moments when you’re thinking about something other than your baby. This can bring confusion and guilt. It doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten them. They are still there in your mind and heart – they might just have slipped into your subconscious for a moment.” 

She encourages parents to imagine their baby in “a cosy, safe place” in their subconscious, reminding themselves that love isn’t measured by constant conscious thought. 

Dorne says sge often talks about grief as a rucksack that parents learn to carry. “Clients worry that by letting go of the sadness, they’re letting go of their little one. But it’s about finding a way to carry them differently. The rucksack is always there, but some days it feels heavier than others.”

Finding ways to include your baby 

Some parents want to take their baby with them in meaningful ways, while others prefer not to. There is no right or wrong approach.  

Dorne encourages parents to ask themselves: “How present do you want your baby to be on holiday?” 

For some, that might mean packing a keepsake or teddy. Others might write their baby’s name in the sand, collect a pebble to bring home or create a quiet ritual that helps them feel connected. 

If you’re travelling with older children, Dorne suggests asking how they would like to remember their baby brother or sister. Their answer may be very different from yours, and that’s OK too.

When you and your partner need different things 

It’s common for partners to approach holidays differently. One may want a complete break from thinking about grief, while the other feels a strong need to actively remember their baby. 

Talking about your hopes and expectations before you travel can help avoid misunderstandings. 

“Recognise the situations that feel particularly difficult,” says Flora. “That way you’re less likely to push yourself too far or become overwhelmed.” 

Dorne encourages couples to make space for each other’s different grief. 

“Own your feelings. Explain where you are and what you need for your own healing. Respect where your partner is too. They don’t have to join in with everything you need to do, but they can listen and give you the space to do it.” 

Give yourself permission to change your plans 

A holiday doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s. If spending time around busy pools or children’s activities feels too difficult, it’s OK to step away. If you need an afternoon alone or an early night, that’s OK too. 

“Pencil everything in,” Flora advises. “Be open to changing plans, cancelling activities or going to bed early if that’s what you need. It makes it much more likely that your holiday will feel restorative rather than another time when your needs weren’t met.” 

If you’re travelling with family or friends, try to tell them what you need rather than hoping they’ll notice. 

“Often parents hope those around them will read their minds,” Flora says. “Being clear about how you are gives people the opportunity to understand and support you.” 

Be kind to yourself 

For some families, a holiday will bring moments of peace. For others, it may simply feel too soon to go away, and deciding not to travel can be the right decision too. 

“ Sometimes it is best to cancel a holiday if it feels too soon or too difficult to go away,” Flora says. “The main thing from my experience is that you try to do what you need and want rather than going along with any pressure from anyone else. How you feel is understandable and if you are really struggling, know that you will not feel like this for ever.   

A gentle reminder

And as Dorne reminds us, “while the weight of grief changes over time, the love you carry for your baby never does.” 

 The suitcase may feel heavier on some journeys than others, but you never have to leave your baby behind to keep moving forwards.