Dads Matter. Counselling Matters: Why men need support too

This Men’s Health Week and in the lead up to Father’s Day, we want to shine a spotlight on how many fathers carry their grief and trauma in silence. At Petals, we see first-hand the difference that specialist counselling can make in helping fathers and their partners feel seen, understood and supported. 

Last year, we supported 1,910 families through specialist counselling. Of those, 79% were mothers accessing support individually, while 21% attended as couples. 

There can be myriad reasons why fewer fathers seek counselling for themselves. Some feel their partner needs support more because the physical trauma happened to her. Others believe they don’t need to talk – they simply need to “keep going” and focus on supporting their family. 

Bev Roles, our Counselling Support Manager explains why the triage appointment offered to all couples at the referral stage is so important: 

“We encourage couples to attend that first triage session together and then decide what support feels right for them. By attending that triage appointment, fathers keep the option of counselling open to them if they need it later.

Carrying the weight of loss 

Often, the impact of believing they are fine may not be seen until later, when the opportunity for this support has passed 

Petals Senior Counsellor says, Sue Brookes says: ” When their partner starts to feel a little better, that’s often when men’s grief begins to surface.” 

For some, this can bring feelings of low mood, anger, anxiety, insomnia and emotional numbness.  

As Sue says: 

“Life can feel completely turned upside down. Fathers often describe losing trust in the world and struggling with the shock and disbelief of what has happened.” 

This is where timely specialist Petals counselling can make a profound difference. “Talking through it all, being able to express all that is going on for them, being acknowledged, reassured and understood can help enormously,” says Sue. 

An invisible grief

One of the most difficult aspects of baby loss for fathers can be feeling invisible. 

People often ask how their partner is coping but rarely ask how they are doing. There can be assumptions that they are less affected, coping better or have somehow moved on more quickly. 

Ex Petals client Guy shared with us what he wished people would say to him. 

“You can say my baby’s name. I find huge comfort when people ask about or mention Barney. Include his name in birthday cards or milestones. Hearing other people say Barney’s name means everything.”

Finding a way forward 

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Every father’s experience is different. 

However, Sue says one of the most helpful things can be understanding that men and women often process grief differently. 

“Grief is a natural healing process. Fathers often benefit from having a space where they can talk openly, express what is happening for them and have their experiences acknowledged and understood.” 

Tom, another Petals Dad, agrees. 

“I wish someone had told me it’s okay to sit in the silence, to feel lost and not know how best to support your wife or partner. Those feelings are normal after such a sad and traumatic loss.” 

For some men, physical activity such as going to the gym, running or playing sport can help release emotional tension. Others find comfort in talking about their baby with trusted family and friends, taking part in charity events or finding meaningful ways to remember their child. New perspectives emerge. A sense of purpose gradually returns. Most importantly, their identity as a father remains. 

“The goal is not to leave grief behind,” says Sue. “It’s about finding a way to carry the love for your child alongside the pain of missing them. Fathers often find great comfort in knowing their baby will always have a special place within their family.” 

Over time, many Petals clients describe small but significant changes. Life slowly begins to expand again. Relationships can grow stronger through a shared experience of loss.  

One mother, Lucy, reflected on the impact counselling had on her relationship after baby loss: 

“I would never have understood what my partner was going through without Petals. It gave us the time and space to understand each other’s grief and opened my eyes to how differently we were coping. Dads matter too.” 

To all those dads affected by baby loss, we want you to know that we see you. Our counselling is here for you, too. You don’t have to carry your grief, while holding everyone else’s, alone.

Search Petals Together or Petals Dads on Facebook or follow the links below. You don’t have to do this alone.