Men’s Health Week: Why different grief doesn’t mean less grief

As a Petals counsellor with extensive experience supporting bereaved parents and couples, Senior Counsellor, Dr Russ Hargreaves, understands just how challenging and emotional the experience is for fathers, even if it doesn’t look quite the same as their partners grief. 

Here Russ shares his insights and advice:

I feel I need to start this blog with a disclaimer: not all men are the same! Men deal with grief differently to other men and often to the way women may experience the loss of a baby. However, having worked with many hundreds of grieving men, there are some similarities we can draw on, and I hope this might help you with your grief journey. 

1. Grief through doing rather than talking  

I have counselled many men who have immediately sunk themselves into a practical task after loss. These practical tasks give us back a sense of what is possible, a renewed focus and a glimpse away from the awfulness of losing our child.  

Tip: Every so often, put your practical tasks to one side and walk away from them, choosing instead to spendtime with your partner and talk about what’s coming up for you. Remind your partner that just because you are doing a task does not mean you are not thinking about your baby or loss experience.

2. Going back to work: escape or survival?

Work can provide familiarity, structure and a sense of competence, which contrasts with the helplessness many of us experience in grief. This is not about avoiding grief but having moments where we focus on something else. The Dual Process Model suggests that the healthiest approach is to spend time both in our grief and in normal, everyday life. By having a foot in both camps, we can carry our grief whilst continuing to live a meaningful life. 

Tip: Consider confiding in one or two trusted colleagues who can offer support when needed, perhaps someone who has experienced grief themselves. If possible, these are the colleagues to gravitate towards for a lunch or coffee break andwho will listen and understand if you do want to talk, but will also know you won’t always want deep discussions about your loss. 

3. Losing our way

Many men see their roles as provider and supporter, even in the 21st century. All of that can change when we experience baby loss. Some men report feeling “useless” at this time. Others go into overdrive, offering all they can to support their partner and lose sight of their own needs. This can result in grief which is left unattended, and unattended grief tends to bite when we least expect it.  

Tip: As often as you feel comfortable, try to dip your toe in your own grief. Just 5 minutes a day may be enough to view scan pictures, go through your memory box, or simply sit and reflect on what’s happened to you and your family. Try to do this without offering support to your loved ones and focus on you and your needs. 

4. When grief shows up as anger, irritability or withdrawal

Not everybody grieves in the same way. For some, the most obvious sign is sadness and an inability to accept the reality of what has happened to us. For others, grief can feel more destabilising.  

Unsurprisingly, for some men, grief finds its way out as anger, resentment, frustration. These emotions are a normal, healthy part of the grieving process. The important thing here is to find ways to channel this anger. It helps to understand it and make sense of it.  

Tip: Think about writing out how angry you feel. Try to make sense of what is making you feel angry and acknowledge its existence inside you. Once you are satisfied you have written enough, think about what you want to do with this. You might want to share it with your counsellor or destroy it so that these thoughts and feelings remain private to you.

5. Carrying grief silently

It can be terribly difficult for some men to express their sadness and vulnerability, especially in public. This is where Petals Counselling can be incredibly important, offering a safe space to explore these difficult, unwanted feelings. In our experience, the healthiest form of grieving is where we acknowledge and express our grief rather than trying to push it into a box and forget about it.  

Tip: Watch Brene Brown’s TED Talk on the power of vulnerability and see whether it resonates with you. Consider talking to just one other person about how you are really feeling? 

 Grief is a messy, complicated thing so please don’t be surprised if you find yourself thinking and feeling differently to others around you. There is no roadmap and you are not on a timer. If you can, try to find ways of acknowledging and living with your grief as opposed to trying to push it aside and forget about it.

If you need to talk to people who understand, our supportive Petals groups are here: communities of other people who ‘get it’.

Search Petals Together or Petals Dads on Facebook or follow the links below. You don’t have to do this alone.